I am still learning every day. Over here, if you want to be heard or taken seriously, you have to proceed in a certain way. There is no point in being blunt or stating the facts. It is not going to serve you well. You have to tackle the matter in a tactful, indirect way.
You need to take baby steps, and slowly get to your point. I know that it can be frustrating but this is the only way to have a chance to make things happen. Just a chance.
For instance, I was talking about childbirth the other day with a few female friends. Let’s be honest here: it was very painful and I have to admit that I thought I was going to die because of the pain. And I know that I can’t really complain: there were no complications and both deliveries were pretty straightforward. Don’t get me wrong: it was all worth it and I have two beautiful daughters, but my point was that it remained a traumatic experience, even if all was well (as was the case).
Well, I got it all wrong. You are simply not supposed to say things like this. One of my friends lost a significant amount of blood and almost passed away during the process. Her comment about the whole experience was: “Well, it stings a little bit, doesn’t it?”. I was gobsmacked. My other friends nodded. They didn’t get what I was saying but they all understood the “It stings a little bit”. Clearly, it was time for me to change strategy. And I did try to change.
I once set up a meeting with a client and my junior colleague showed up 45 minutes late, unshaven, and smelling like well, fish. Not to mention that his hair looked like a battlefield.
How could I convey the message that this was not acceptable? In France, I would have sent him back home. Pure and simple. With some harsh words, such as: "get yourself sorted! Your behaviour is not acceptable in a professional environment. This is a final warning..." Over here, I wasn’t so sure. How could I tackle the issue? I decided to put my observations into practice. I took him outside of the meeting room and said something like “Well, you had a bit of a blooper this morning, right?” “Would you please go and wash and we will talk about this later?”. He nodded and did what I said. A couple of months later and despite all my tactful explanations of how to behave in a corporate environment, he fell asleep during a business meeting. To this date I am still wondering whether the French approach would have worked better.
How do the Brits do it? How do they get things done while practicing the art of understatement? Well, I can only admit that I sometimes wonder.
I prefer the blunt method myself. I would rather not wonder about things but know where someone stands.
ReplyDeleteSame here. But it doesn't seem to make the cut this side of the pond.
ReplyDeleteWow.... that's crazy! How does anything ever get done??? I am usually pretty tactful by personality, especially when dealing with people I don't know well, but as you know I say anything that I think, especially with people I know.... My babies are adopted so I don't know about this whole labor and delivery thing, but....all of my friends have described it in so much detail I ... well, never want to birth a baby! :) It is so interesting to read your posts, Muriel!
ReplyDeleteI'm sharing this essay with my Brit friend. I will get back to you when he finally responds. :-)))
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you've read the book, "French Women Don't Get Fat"? by Mireille Guiliano, now there's a whole new topic for you to explore. I can see how much I've been influenced by living in France for 15 years.
ReplyDeleteAs usual, some good insights into the British mentality. I thought that the English understatement of pain, at least, was more a result of a certain type of education where endurance ranked high as well as two world wars. I'm surprised that women still understate the pain of childbirth though it's not something to show off about. When I lived there, some of my English friends talked about how painful childbirth had been while others seemed to take it in their stride. It depended on the person and our intimacy. A lot of Englishwomen tend to think the way I do - that childbirth can be shrieking agony but what's the use of telling someone something they already know and have gone through themselves so it's better to make light of it?
ReplyDeleteAs for that junior executive, I don't care where you are, he deserves a straightforward warning rather than a tactful telling off. If you don't set him straight, sooner or later he will find that behaviour like his is not tolerated, and unless he's a genius, he's not going very far up the ladder. On occasion, I've found French bluntness too strong, but it might do him a world of good vs. being nicely British.
I returned to England after 20 years to visit two sick, aging relatives. My brother met me at the airport. I went to hug him and as he stepped quickly away he said: "Don't be so stupid!" I concur.
ReplyDeleteHey Muriel,
ReplyDeleteI worked with Brits when I was working for the corporate firm and I had to learn a lot of tact. When I was working in India, I was much more straight forward in saying what I thought. Maybe it is a cultural thing?
I adore tact because it takes creative scheming and forethought. Anyone can just come out with it...well, maybe that's not true. There is no way I could tell someone to their face that they smelled like fish. I'd tactfully yet bluntly mention it behind their back to someone else. What can I say? I am Canadian and live in a bilingual French/English country. I have the worst of both worlds. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid it's all linked up to our British politeness, although I have to say I sometimes really appreciate a more blunt approach, which many nations on the continent favour. I have a friend from Greece who will always tell me if my hair looks bad or I don't seem on very good form. I appreciate the honesty! It's much less fake than British platitudes.
ReplyDeleteWell, one way I'd handle it, if I did not have the power to fire him: paper trail the date, time, and incident, and what you did do. This way, if he really screws up, it can't come back to bite you.
ReplyDeleteI didn't extent his contract in the end. I am a bad person! I hope that he learned in the end!
ReplyDeleteOr maybe you have the best of both worlds... And you could be a bridge between French and Brits? Just a thought...
ReplyDeleteIt is a cultural issue Hajra...and a tough one to understand. The Brits always say that everything is fine, even when it isn't ...how ami supposed to know when something isn't fine?
ReplyDeleteDon't resent him, it is the way he has been brought up. Apparently they learn, from a very young age, to be emotionally constipated. Sometimes it sticks...
ReplyDeletePenelope, thanks for your insights...I am starting to believe that I will never get it! French bluntness can indeed be too strong, but I think that I prefer to know where I stand.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea Sonia! I need to write something about the strong pressure to look good in France. I actually find living in London quite liberating!
ReplyDeleteYou will probably get a comment such as "well, it depends...". Let's wait and see...
ReplyDeleteWell, let's just say that it takes time to get something done. You really have to brace yourself...
ReplyDeleteAm I permitted a tiny snigger? Or would that be too much of an emotional outbreak? Muriel, I love this post. I'd be interested to learn what job your junior colleague applied for next? I do not handle these situations well (you know being Swiss we are known for being a little bit peasanty and clumsy), but I remember an incident where I had to train a salesman and he showed up in a heavy wool suit in the middle of summer, maybe this is the reason I smelt him from afar. I cannot remember the exact words but I certainly started a momologue on fashion and the right fibres for each season, maybe progressing to perfumes and deodorants ...
ReplyDeleteHaha! =) That's a super fine line! I have a hard time with that because Vancouver is so multicultural. I never know if I should be more or less direct. =P Glad I'm not the only one! =)
ReplyDeleteI'm in the opposite situation, coming from a culture that beats around the bush and likes to save face (Filipinos) and living in one that calls a spade a spade (north Americans). Fortunately it suits me better, as I've always been blunt. But I admire your keen powers of observation and your willingness to keep learning!
ReplyDeletehe left eventually. I hope (for him), that he learned from his mistakes. That said, I wasn't ready to keep teaching him!
ReplyDeleteJust like you, I never get it right. I feel this urge of being direct but I know I can't. So frustrating sometimes!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Your post made me wonder: maybe I need to move to America!
ReplyDelete